How I Left Verizon

This is a story all about how my life got flipped; turned upside down. Wait, that was the Fresh Prince. No matter; this is the same sort of thing. I’m going to tell you how I got rid of my Verizon contract and not only avoided paying an ETF, but made money in the process. Top that, Will Smith! All you’ve got is that mildly entertaining but ultimately forgettable movie “Hancock.”

He must have super shoes, too, since they didn't get damaged.

Verizon, for me, has often been something like a relationship with a hot but psychotic girlfriend. One minute you feel like the luckiest guy on earth while enjoying the . . . benefits (I was going to say “coverage area,” but that doesn’t really transfer over as an analogy without a lot of imagination). The next, you’re jumping through hoops trying desperately to not cross some made up line that gets you in trouble. It’s incredibly expensive and you most certainly can’t have it your way. When the going’s good it sure is great fun, but the rest of the time you’re left feeling trapped, manipulated, and wanting out. After a long enough time, even the plain-Jane T-Mobile girl starts to look enticing. Sure, she’s not as flashy as Verizon; but she’ll get the job done and still let you play video games. My analogy’s wandering, here, but you get the point.

So what’s a guy to do? Simple. Manipulate back. What I’m about to divulge is completely legitimate and above board. This is how to get out of your Verizon contract without any tomfoolery and without leaving a huge dent in your pocketbook. As to how you’ll get out of that toxic relationship with the crazy bikini model? You’re on your own for that one. Sorry.

Did I mention my new Share Everything plans? What's yours is mine . . .

Verizon’s definitely a clinger. Try to step out on your own and BAM! $350 early termination fee (or ETF, as it’s known by Verizon employees and internet dorks). I had heard of several ways to dump your line without eating the ETF, but each seemed problematic to me. There was the old “lie to Verizon and say you’re moving to Antarctica” trick, but that involved lying (staying above board here, remember?) and, from my research, not everyone was able to get away with it. There’s the tried and true complaining about fee increases (since the little penny fee increase here and there could arguably constitute a change in agreed charges during a contract period, which would get you off the hook), but not only have people had very limited success with that, but even if you made a huge stink over $0.02 Verizon could simply offer to refund it to you. No dice there.

I think it's easier to simply walk into Mordor.

After nearly giving up, I stumbled upon the end-your-contract-without-an-ETF holy grail: Assumption of Liability. Clean, simple, effective. Only one problem: you need a third party. You see, an Assumption of Liability (AOL to us dorks; not to be confused with how you got online in 1995 when Mom was off the phone) is when someone takes over your line of service. The contract then transfers along with the line to the new owner, leaving you scott free to frolic about in the meadow. Now, you just left Verizon so frolicing is all you can do since you have no coverage all the way out there, but I digress. The point is an AOL lets you give away your line to another party and be completely free of your Verizon contract; no muss, no fuss, no ETF. Just once and done.

“OK,” you ask, “what good does that do me? It’s not like I have a family member I can dupe into donning Verizon Red shackles.” Not to worry; I’ve got you covered. You see, grandfathered Verizon unlimited, and even grandfathered tiered Verizon Family Share plans, are pretty coveted out there. I won’t go into the reasons why people want them because, well, it should be pretty obvious. If you’re not after the latest unlocked device and money isn’t an issue, it’s hard to do better than one of these grandfathered Verizon plans. OK, I lied; I did go into the reasons. In any case, if you have an old unlimited or other Verizon plan, there are people out there who want what you have. And they’re willing to pay for it to boot.

I only accept Ninjabucks as payment.

I was sitting pretty on a 700 minute Family Share plan with no texting (Google Voice ftw!) and two lines. One line had grandfathered unlimited data for $29.99, the other 4GB a month for $30. But that shiny new Nexus 4 came out, and it had me salivating over T-Mobile’s $30 a month prepaid plan. Not to mention the disco-ball back. I’m a sucker for all things disco. I was at the time paying, before taxes and fees, $129 a month to Verizon for the privilege of accessing their mobile network. That’s pretty good compared to some of the newer plans, but still a decent chunk of change more than $60 a month for two lines with T-Mobile prepaid. After some research I found a couple of active marketplaces where people were selling their phones and lines like a Somali black market sells AKMS rifles. The best two I found were Howard Forums and Cell Phone Forums:
Howard Forums
Cell Phone Forums

I posted my Verizon plan particulars (just prices and features; no personal stuff) and watched the PMs pour in. OK, it wasn’t that easy, but in all honesty it was pretty darned close. In not too much time I had a few offers for the lines, and I worked out a deal with two separate parties on Howard Forums; one for the minutes and 4GB line, the other for the unlimited line. I got paid via PayPal, had everything handled with Verizon’s AOL department, and viola! Contract free. I ended up making $100 off of the deal, too. Had I gone the ETF route, I would have been looking at over $600 in fees to Verizon to simply walk away. Going my route, I ended up pocketing $100 and still being able to sell my now clean ESM phones (that just means they can be reactivated on Verizon) on ye olde Craigslist and pocket another $350. Easy peasy.

For those of you willing to brave this method, there are a few things to keep in mind. First, the risk. You’re dealing with random strangers on the wild internet, so there’s always the possibility you could get scammed. Someone could pay via PayPal and then dispute the payment once they have the line. Someone could get your line, then refuse to deactivate your device rendering it unsellable (though you could use it on their dime, so I don’t know how likely that is). Someone could use your information to track down your cat and force it to learn how to fetch and make a YouTube video about it and show it to all of your cat’s friends, which would be very embarrassing and emotionally hurtful. Use your head and don’t do anything you’re not comfortable with. I take no responsibility for any harm that comes to you or your cat.

Be wary or face the wrath of Grumpy Cat.

Second, Verizon has some rules for transferring grandfathered lines. First, you can’t transfer just the unlimited data line to someone and have them keep unlimited. It has to either come along with your minutes plan or the buyer has to have an existing Family Share plan to add it to. If neither of those things exist, then the person taking over the line will be forced onto a tiered data line (though not one of the new Share Everything plans). Second, the person doing the AOL will have to pass a standard credit check and the line will be under a 1 year contract. It doesn’t matter if your line had 6 months left or 18 months left; the new contract owner’s contract will be 1 year. Third, the phone number on the line will have to transfer with the line; if you migrate the phone number before the line is AOL’d, then you’re hit with the ETF. More on that later.

OK, let’s talk logistics. Say you have a buyer and you feel comfortable doing the deal. How do you go about getting it done? It’s actually surprisingly easy. I expected Verizon to make me jump through hoops on fire and juggle knives (metaphorically; though I wouldn’t put it passed them to make me do it literally), but they didn’t do any of that. I simply called 888-832-4540, which is Verizon’s AOL line. I verified my information and then told the rep the name of the person I’m authorising to take over my line and which line they’re authorised to take over. The buyer then called the same line, gave the rep their information, passed a credit check, and went on their merry way. I have to give a huge thumbs up to Verizon for how smooth and hassle free the process was; I’ve never done it on another carrier, but I can safely say they all should strive to make the process work as well as Verizon does.

It was a nice experience, but I don't know that I'd go this far in my VZW love.

The whole affair is all very simple and straightforward except for two little things: your existing phone, and your existing number. Both will be tied to the line that you transfer, so unless you’re selling your phone with the line and you’re already using Google Voice for all of your calls and texts (which you really ought to be, in my opinion), you have another couple of steps to go through. First, in order for your phone to be free from the line it’s attached to the buyer will need to activate another device on that line. One of my line buyers had his own iPhone that he wanted activated. He’s obviously a crazy person, so he’ll have fun with the metaphorical crazy girlfriend. The other had a Galaxy Nexus, which is far more sensible. In both cases, I had to wait for them to activate their devices before my associated phones were free and clear to sell. Not a big deal, but definitely something to be aware of.

As for the phone number, that’s a little trickier. Like I said, you can’t migrate the number or else the line will get hit with an ETF. However, the new owner can migrate their old number to the line once they take it over. This frees up your old number for migration. Once it’s free, why not migrate it over to Google Voice? This way, you have it as your texting number for free SMS over data with the Google Voice app, and when you make phone calls people will still see that same number. If you go with an unlocked device on prepaid like the GSM Galaxy Nexus or the Nexus 4 (provided Google Play gets off their duff and sells you one), you can switch SIM cards between AT&T, T-Mobile, and Straight Talk without ever worrying about having to switch your phone number over. It’s a one-time fee of $20 and well worth it if you’re going prepaid (heck, even if you’re going to a new contract). Google Voice integrates very well with Android, so you’ll never have to give friends and family a different number again; regardless of switching phones, carriers, plans, lines, etc. Or, you can simply get a new line of service with a different carrier (or even with Verizon; this is a nice way to get a device upgrade when you’re mid contract, but you’ll be forced to also get a Share Everything plan) and have them migrate your now freed up number to the new line.

Take your Nexus weapon; strike me down in your anger and your journey toward the Dark Side will be complete!

I get the allure of Verizon’s network; I really do. This article is not meant to convince people to switch from Verizon to another carrier. Verizon has a killer network and their LTE speeds are pretty stinkin’ awesome. It’s like that hot but wacko chick; I get why you stay with her. Heck, I dated her for years and her insanity never really got to me. But for those of you for whom her charms have faded, you don’t have to feel trapped. There is a way out that doesn’t involve her keying your car or posting defamatory images of you on Instagram. Enjoy the freedom, Android friends. And besides, she’ll always be right outside your window watching you sleep if you ever want to come crawling back; she’ll just make you pay for it in the form of Share Everything plans. And you’ll have to take her Mom out for a nice steak dinner.

I know this image isn't the most relevant, but it's awesome. Deal with it.

Motorola: Make This!

I could be accused of a bit of Monday night quarterbacking when it comes to mobile tech manufacturing. I'll admit that I have never created, marketed, and sold a mobile device on the open market (though I have listed a phone on Craigslist). Perhaps, then, I am not qualified to tell Motorola what they ought to do when it comes to making a smartphone. I should be sorry for my actions, and never tell a multi-billion dollar corporation how to best develop products again.

I'm as sorry as Keanu is here; no amount of cats will displace my shame.

But I'm going to anyway.

I do what I want!

Motorola made my current smartphone, the Droid RAZR. For that, I sincerely thank them. It's a svelte pice of awesome; Kevlar and Gorilla Glass wrapped Android thin enough to fit in a hipster's jean pocket. A truly great device.

But it's not what they should have made. It has several limitations that seem almost arbitrary, and it could have been so much more with presumably just some minor changes. The Maxx comes to mind, but even that doesn't do it all justice (after all, I still prefer my RAZR's thin profile to the "bloated" Maxx, which is still thinner than the Galaxy Nexus and iPhone).

I'm here, Motorola, to help you out. You're one of the few manufacturers going out on a limb and coming up with something new, form wise. Sure, you flop now and again, but that's what promotes greatness. Like when Luke messed up at first when he tried to defend against the remote with the blast shield down.

With the patent dispute down, how am I supposed to compete?

I'm not here to say you should have used Samsung's sAMOLED+ panel if you weren't going for HD resolution, or that you ought to have used coding resources to get vanilla Ice Cream Sandwich onto your device rather than Blurred Gingerbread. That would be beneath both of us (and also a bit disingenuous, since I love my RAZR). No; I'm here to tell you what the most awesome handset in the world would be, with current technology. Use it as a litmus for where your development future will go. I expect my consultant check in the mail.

First thing first: you need to make something without limitations, but that's still unique. You don't want people to say, "I'd like it if only it didn't have . . . " Instead, it's OK for people to say, "I just don't personally care for . . . " It may seem subtle, but the difference is huge. People need to feel that the device made no compromises in its design. If there's something there that's against their alleged tastes, that can be dealt with (remember when people thought 4" screens were too big?). If it's something that they like that could have been better, then you failed to uphold your device's perception in the public eye.

Just because your marketing team says it's awesome doesn't mean we have to believe it.

No compromise. That's the perception you need to cultivate. Apple's done this with their iOS brand, and people have bought it. Mainly that's because Apple doesn't compromise within their sphere. You can't find a better 3.5" screen than the LG made IPS LCD panel in the iPhone 4/4S. The GPU in the A5/5X is second to none. The design is preference. As much as I don't like iPhones, this is a winning combo.

I'll let you in on a secret, Motorola: you have more to offer than Apple does.

I just blew your mind. I know.

This is not to say you need to copy Apple; not in the slightest. I'm just saying that Apple has successfully marketed themselves as a no-compromise manufacturer, and you should strive for this, too. Plenty of other companies have done the same, so this isn't an Apple corner in the mobile space. Basically, you need to be the best Motorola you can be. Go get 'em, big guy! You can do it, slugger!

Besides, no one likes a bad copy.

First thing's first: design. This is an easy one: don't change a thing. There is not a single handset out right now that holds a candle to the RAZR design. From the materials to the look to the nano-coating for water resistance, you guys really hit it out of the park. Bravo.

Anyone who thinks this isn't a great looking phone needs their vision checked.

Next on the list: screen. This is by far and away the most important part of a phone, these days (though there are a few contenders for a very, very close second). Your screen needs to impress, to awe; to make a grown man cry from its sheer beauty.

And it needs to be huge. No hyperbole, here; I'm dead serious. The majority of people that seem to "prefer" a smaller screen are those who haven't used a larger one. People knocked the HTC Evo's screen for being practical-joke big, and now it's the standard size for smartphones (and it made HTC a dollar or two).

Of all the panels out there, one that is currently in production comes to mind.

Take note: I like puns.

The 5.3" sAMOLED panel on the Galaxy Note is nigh perfect. Take this screen and make it non-pentile matrix and you're set.

Next: radios. You guys are the standard for radios, so do this portion in-house. Use one of the smaller die processes for your LTE radios (28nm, preferably). This is paramount because of our next point:

If I had a dollar for every time I saw this screen, I'd try to see this screen more often.

Battery life is key. What you've done with the Maxx is a step in the right direction, but if you pair that with 28nm die LTE modems (and other parts, obviously), you would take this into the stratosphere. This isn't exactly an epiphany, so expect other manufacturers to be hard at work on the same thing. Get to market first and you'll be known for it.

Of course, Andy's already been to the stratosphere.

Next up: CPU/GPU. I know you all like to play nice with Texas Instruments, but their combo screams "compromise!" So does nVidia. For that matter, so does just about everyone. Samsung is the only company I can think of that doesn't, and that's only with their Exynos processors. Be our hero, Motorola. Come out with an A15 dual core that has a killer GPU.

Software is also important, and I must commend your choice in using Android (since you've been acquired by Google, I'm doubtful this will change). However, I also have a bone to pick; two, in fact. Blur and bootloaders.

"Blur" rarely makes one think, "that must be really polished and awesome."

Blur is actually not bad, but you really ought to focus more attention on serving add ons to the OS rather than a complete refresh of it. I know you think that it "differentiates" your device, but you've misunderstood. The consumer couldn't care less about Blur, Sense, TouchWiz, etc. No one goes from a Samsung Galaxy SII to a Droid RAZR and says, "Wow! This new theming is the best!" Go ahead and make a new launcher and do a few small tweaks like allowing swipe to camera from the lockscreen on Gingerbread, but leave it at that. Spend your time on making Smart Actions more polished (and who cares if it ends up a pirated *.apk; that means you're making something others envy!).

For the bootloaders, unlock them (well, decrypt the signature). The people that want it will love you for it, and they are few. The people that would be trouble with an unlocked bootloader won't be doing anything that requires one. Keeping it locked up is basically a no-advantage scenario. If you're worried about more tech support issues, just be sure to send a new device, pre-release, to the heads of some of the usual suspects of awesome ROMs and they'll handle the tech support side (AOKP, CM, MIUI, etc.). It'll cost you a grand total of something like $4500 retail (less, since it'll just be your cost plus shipping), and it'll also be free advertising to boot. That will probably be the best $4500 you'll ever spend, equating to thousands if not more handsets sold. This is a no-brainer and a really, really easy and cheap way to be the #1 make amoung the tech and Android enthusiast blogs and forums.

And please, none of that stupid "developer device" crap sold without a warranty and no carrier subsidies. That just pisses people off and makes you look cheap (remember: no compromise perception).

You could be King of the Nerds, Motorola. Embrace your destiny.

Last but not least: the camera. This is an easy one: use a Carl Zeiss lens and a Xenon flash. Yes, the Xenon will take more juice than an LED. It won't matter. People don't use the flash enough to make a giant dent in battery life, but they will notice the difference in their nighttime photo quality. That's also why you'll use the Zeiss lens: picture quality, picture quality, picture quality. This is key. You'll need competitive MP so that you don't fall short on silly spec sheets, but the picture quality will make you a legend in the blog world. And, since you're Motorola, you'll find a way to make it look sexy and not like, well . . . a Nokia.

This is one of the few things Nokia got right, and they're universally praised for it.

The rest is fluff. MicroSD slot vs. internal memory, HDMI port vs. PDMI, etc. don't mean too much. If Apple's shown the world anything, it's that you can compromise on connectors and most people won't care.

So, to sum up, make us a device with the following:

• RAZR Maxx build (battery included)
• A15 with a killer GPU (a real benchmark-buster)
• 5.3", HD, sAMOLED+ screen
• Carl Zeiss lens with a xenon flash
• Vanilla Android with a custom launcher and some basic tweaks
• Unlocked bootloader
• Advance devices sent to leading devs in the ROM scene

Do this, and you'll be awesome. Do it not, and every one of your handsets will die this day.

True story.

Robuntu: Android Gets in Touch with its Linux Side

Welcome to the future. No flying cars, mind; just some sweet digs for your computer/smartphone.

Canonical, the dudes who brought us Ubuntu (and many of its derivatives), have shoehorned a fully functioning Ubuntu distro onto an Android device. Big deal, right? We've seen this countless times before. Heck, even my Dell Streak 7 has an Ubuntu install floating around out there.

You shut your mouth. It is a big deal.

What Canonical has done here (and will show off at the upcoming MWC) is more than a simple port of a popular Linux flavour onto a handheld device; they've successfully married the smartphone and the desktop computer. Ubuntu doesn't dual boot, here, but it actually runs alongside Android when you dock your device (ala Motorola's Webtop, but this actually works well). Carry your device and it's Android; dock it and it's Ubuntu. Awesomely, when you're in Ubuntu mode you can still run Android apps and receive Android notifications. You run off of your Android's hardware, and can do anything it can do (texts, phone calls, Angry Birds, etc.). If you dock it to an HDTV, it'll automatically use Ubuntu's TV interface (doesn't look like Mythbuntu, but it still looks pretty cool).

What are you waiting for? Check out the video!

ANDROID: Prepare to Awesomise

The Little Green Robot that Could will be able do a little more in the not to distant future. Google I/O's keynotes are over, and a few bombs were dropped in the process. These aren't those nasty, destructive, awesome bombs like the BLU-82B Daisy Cutter, but more of a candy-and-laser-light-show filled fun bomb.

Like dropping one of these . . . 

. . . on one of these.

Google dropped Android Honeycomb 3.1, Music Beta by Google, video rental via YouTube, and Android@Home, to name a few of the larger releases. Oh, and Android Ice Cream Sandwich to come later this year. A quick note on these, and then a note on my favourite release tease from day 1 of the presentation (day 2 is another post, as it has to do with Chrome OS).

Music Beta by Google
This is going to be a cloud streaming service with something like 85GB of free space to use. I'm not sure of the exact number, but Google did say that one can upload 20,000 songs (I do hope one can store video, as well). You can access these songs whenever you like from your computer, laptop, or Android device. I hear iOS devices are in the works, but we'll have to wait and see what the ever-exclusive, Cupertino crowd thinks about that; remember how long it took to get Google Voice, and how that was motivated by possible legal action in the EU?

In any case, this will be an awesome addition to the Android repertoire. The downside for this over Amazon Cloud Music Player is that you can't yet purchase anything on Music Beta. Still, that doesn't stop you from using Amazon Cloud Player and Music Beta, which is what I plan to do.

Android@Home
This will either be really cool, or nothing at all. Google's like that, sometimes (remember Wave?). The potential is to be able to control every light, garage door, speaker, thermostat, appliance, etc. in your home via your Android handset. I imagine this will end up as something in the middle, with people like me having some things "Androidified" and most things conventional. In any case, home automation is a Star-Trekky sort of gig, so I'm on board.

I can't wait to say to my tablet, "Tea, Earl Grey, hot," and have the coffee maker start brewing some Earl Grey tea. I don't even like Earl Grey tea, and I'm still geeking out about it.

My Favourite Thing
By far and away, the best announcement was that Google is partnering with manufacturers and carriers to ensure updates for future, Android devices. I do hope some current ones are covered, as well, as I have a couple of Android devices myself that obviously aren't from the future (or are they?).

Google is setting an 18 month update promise for the coalition. That means timely updates for your device from the day it's released up until a year and a half later, at minimum. Since I'm an XDA addict, I don't need this; but this is surely a welcome tidbit for the 95+% of people out there who don't root and ROM. Oh, and I won't need to backup, wipe, and ROM my wife's phone anymore.

That's a rap for day 1. Stay tuned for Day2.

Data for One, Data for All!

Captain's Log - Startdate 64648.3

Lieutenant Commander Data has been captured by the Borg, a collective of living machines bent on enslaving the human race. For the good of the Collective, they have stated their intention of splitting Data into several pieces and then reselling him to the Federation in small, expensive, controlled bits. Riker is so upset, he shaved his beard (and man, has he put on weight; I really ought to put this in the Supplemental Log).

Data is now under the complete control of the Borg Collective, consisting of the Borg vessels Verizon, T-Mobile, AT&T, and Sprint. We currently have no course of action to get him back in one piece. I fear, unless we engineer some sort of inverse tachyon beam (which will be pretty tough to do without Data), we may be at the mercy of the Borg and Data will be forever their slave.

Of course, Leonidas would have simply impaled Q, proving that even a lame god-ish thing can bleed.

I'll make this short and sweet (like my wife, except this article won't get bored when I tell it about the up and coming, 7", SAMOLED display tech). I'd like wireless providers to start offering shared data plans, similar to the shared minute plans we all enjoy. Make it a $10 per device per month fee for each additional device, or some such thing. That way, My Cr48 could share with my (soon to come) tablet and my wife's (soon to come) tablet, and I can hog all the GeeBees since my wife barely uses any.

Make it so!

Why Apple Can't Have my Money

OK, I'll admit it. After playing with an iPad, I now want a tablet. I really, really want a tablet.

And he saw that the tablets were good.

I know what you're thinking: what's the appeal? (Unless, of course, you're one of the several million strong owners of an iPad.) I thought the same thing before using one. It's certainly pretty, portable, nicely accessorized, and a great conversation piece; but I've always been of a far more practical bent when it comes to gadgetry. All show and little to no go does not earn a spot on my Christmas list.

But I still want one.

Tablets are highly illogical.

Here's the thing: the iPad both wins and loses me in the category of "potential." Apple's uber slate conjures up images of a device that can be so many things at once. It's a portable computer, a portable media player, an internet window, and a communications device sandwiched in sexy aluminum. It's slick, compact, and actually kind of fun to use; you know, like the first time you used a mouse. Wait, that's really dating myself. I mean, like the first time you used a Game Boy. Never mind, go back to mouse.

Anyway, it's the iPad's potential to be all things that grabs me. When I first used one, I had visions of composing articles, reading online newspapers, and checking emails all while talking to a friend over Skype. The clouds would part as a unicorn dances down a double-rainbow so he could use my magical tablet to update his Twitter feed to "@Unicorn: lol, my poop cures teh cancer!"

This is how I normally picture unicorns, by the way.

This is when the dream starts to fall apart and the bleary eyed, grumpy-bear reality shuffles in. As much as I want the iPad to do everything, it won't. It's not supposed to. Apple CEO Steve Jobs is quite clear about the nature of his company's products; they're meant to be part of an ecosystem, not a single tool solution (this is why he claimed, in introducing the new Apple TV, that people don't want the internet on their TVs since they already have computers for that). You have your iPad for mobile media consumption, browsing, and light data processing. Your iPhone suffices for calls, texts, music playing, and light web browsing. Your iMac serves for main computing and storage. Then there's Apple TV for (semi) HD viewing and rentals, AirPort for wireless, and all the rest of the gang for their various purposes. They all integrate seamlessly via iTunes, and each fulfills its niche with aplomb.

If I want to experience the full glory and splendor of the Apple Kingdom (and it is, admittedly, rather glorious and splendid), I need to invest in an iMac, iPad, iPhone, MacBook, Apple TV, and a handful of other products with the pretty fruit stamp on the back (and, possibly, stop shaving and start shopping at Salvation Army for that oh-so-vintage look). Going along with this, I'll need a mobile phone plan with data package, a separate data package for my iPad, and home internet service. Then I get to pay for media to stream over the paid lines to my paid devices. You can see where I'm going, here.

I really want a tablet, but I don't want an iPad. I want something that pairs down rather than augments my device list. I want a something that can fill in as a laptop, media player (a for-realsies one that can stream HD content to my TV), internet connection, data processor, e-reader, and so on. I don't game on my computer, so I don't need a powerhouse tower. I don't want to invest in movie discs I'm only going to watch once, so I don't need a blu-ray player. I don't want to carry around a dedicated music player. I don't want a separate device for phone calls and texting (if I'm already slinging a man-purse for my tablet, it doesn't matter to me that the tablet won't fit in my pocket; that's why God made bluetooth headsets).

Who says man-purses make you look stupid?

Where does that leave me? Gadget purgatory, that's where. I now get to sit around burning off the device-lust sin of wanting one gadget to rule them all. I could have gone my entire life in ignorant bliss if I'd never picked up a tablet in the first place. Stupid iPad.

Why must you taunt me, vaporware?!