How I Left Verizon

This is a story all about how my life got flipped; turned upside down. Wait, that was the Fresh Prince. No matter; this is the same sort of thing. I’m going to tell you how I got rid of my Verizon contract and not only avoided paying an ETF, but made money in the process. Top that, Will Smith! All you’ve got is that mildly entertaining but ultimately forgettable movie “Hancock.”

He must have super shoes, too, since they didn't get damaged.

Verizon, for me, has often been something like a relationship with a hot but psychotic girlfriend. One minute you feel like the luckiest guy on earth while enjoying the . . . benefits (I was going to say “coverage area,” but that doesn’t really transfer over as an analogy without a lot of imagination). The next, you’re jumping through hoops trying desperately to not cross some made up line that gets you in trouble. It’s incredibly expensive and you most certainly can’t have it your way. When the going’s good it sure is great fun, but the rest of the time you’re left feeling trapped, manipulated, and wanting out. After a long enough time, even the plain-Jane T-Mobile girl starts to look enticing. Sure, she’s not as flashy as Verizon; but she’ll get the job done and still let you play video games. My analogy’s wandering, here, but you get the point.

So what’s a guy to do? Simple. Manipulate back. What I’m about to divulge is completely legitimate and above board. This is how to get out of your Verizon contract without any tomfoolery and without leaving a huge dent in your pocketbook. As to how you’ll get out of that toxic relationship with the crazy bikini model? You’re on your own for that one. Sorry.

Did I mention my new Share Everything plans? What's yours is mine . . .

Verizon’s definitely a clinger. Try to step out on your own and BAM! $350 early termination fee (or ETF, as it’s known by Verizon employees and internet dorks). I had heard of several ways to dump your line without eating the ETF, but each seemed problematic to me. There was the old “lie to Verizon and say you’re moving to Antarctica” trick, but that involved lying (staying above board here, remember?) and, from my research, not everyone was able to get away with it. There’s the tried and true complaining about fee increases (since the little penny fee increase here and there could arguably constitute a change in agreed charges during a contract period, which would get you off the hook), but not only have people had very limited success with that, but even if you made a huge stink over $0.02 Verizon could simply offer to refund it to you. No dice there.

I think it's easier to simply walk into Mordor.

After nearly giving up, I stumbled upon the end-your-contract-without-an-ETF holy grail: Assumption of Liability. Clean, simple, effective. Only one problem: you need a third party. You see, an Assumption of Liability (AOL to us dorks; not to be confused with how you got online in 1995 when Mom was off the phone) is when someone takes over your line of service. The contract then transfers along with the line to the new owner, leaving you scott free to frolic about in the meadow. Now, you just left Verizon so frolicing is all you can do since you have no coverage all the way out there, but I digress. The point is an AOL lets you give away your line to another party and be completely free of your Verizon contract; no muss, no fuss, no ETF. Just once and done.

“OK,” you ask, “what good does that do me? It’s not like I have a family member I can dupe into donning Verizon Red shackles.” Not to worry; I’ve got you covered. You see, grandfathered Verizon unlimited, and even grandfathered tiered Verizon Family Share plans, are pretty coveted out there. I won’t go into the reasons why people want them because, well, it should be pretty obvious. If you’re not after the latest unlocked device and money isn’t an issue, it’s hard to do better than one of these grandfathered Verizon plans. OK, I lied; I did go into the reasons. In any case, if you have an old unlimited or other Verizon plan, there are people out there who want what you have. And they’re willing to pay for it to boot.

I only accept Ninjabucks as payment.

I was sitting pretty on a 700 minute Family Share plan with no texting (Google Voice ftw!) and two lines. One line had grandfathered unlimited data for $29.99, the other 4GB a month for $30. But that shiny new Nexus 4 came out, and it had me salivating over T-Mobile’s $30 a month prepaid plan. Not to mention the disco-ball back. I’m a sucker for all things disco. I was at the time paying, before taxes and fees, $129 a month to Verizon for the privilege of accessing their mobile network. That’s pretty good compared to some of the newer plans, but still a decent chunk of change more than $60 a month for two lines with T-Mobile prepaid. After some research I found a couple of active marketplaces where people were selling their phones and lines like a Somali black market sells AKMS rifles. The best two I found were Howard Forums and Cell Phone Forums:
Howard Forums
Cell Phone Forums

I posted my Verizon plan particulars (just prices and features; no personal stuff) and watched the PMs pour in. OK, it wasn’t that easy, but in all honesty it was pretty darned close. In not too much time I had a few offers for the lines, and I worked out a deal with two separate parties on Howard Forums; one for the minutes and 4GB line, the other for the unlimited line. I got paid via PayPal, had everything handled with Verizon’s AOL department, and viola! Contract free. I ended up making $100 off of the deal, too. Had I gone the ETF route, I would have been looking at over $600 in fees to Verizon to simply walk away. Going my route, I ended up pocketing $100 and still being able to sell my now clean ESM phones (that just means they can be reactivated on Verizon) on ye olde Craigslist and pocket another $350. Easy peasy.

For those of you willing to brave this method, there are a few things to keep in mind. First, the risk. You’re dealing with random strangers on the wild internet, so there’s always the possibility you could get scammed. Someone could pay via PayPal and then dispute the payment once they have the line. Someone could get your line, then refuse to deactivate your device rendering it unsellable (though you could use it on their dime, so I don’t know how likely that is). Someone could use your information to track down your cat and force it to learn how to fetch and make a YouTube video about it and show it to all of your cat’s friends, which would be very embarrassing and emotionally hurtful. Use your head and don’t do anything you’re not comfortable with. I take no responsibility for any harm that comes to you or your cat.

Be wary or face the wrath of Grumpy Cat.

Second, Verizon has some rules for transferring grandfathered lines. First, you can’t transfer just the unlimited data line to someone and have them keep unlimited. It has to either come along with your minutes plan or the buyer has to have an existing Family Share plan to add it to. If neither of those things exist, then the person taking over the line will be forced onto a tiered data line (though not one of the new Share Everything plans). Second, the person doing the AOL will have to pass a standard credit check and the line will be under a 1 year contract. It doesn’t matter if your line had 6 months left or 18 months left; the new contract owner’s contract will be 1 year. Third, the phone number on the line will have to transfer with the line; if you migrate the phone number before the line is AOL’d, then you’re hit with the ETF. More on that later.

OK, let’s talk logistics. Say you have a buyer and you feel comfortable doing the deal. How do you go about getting it done? It’s actually surprisingly easy. I expected Verizon to make me jump through hoops on fire and juggle knives (metaphorically; though I wouldn’t put it passed them to make me do it literally), but they didn’t do any of that. I simply called 888-832-4540, which is Verizon’s AOL line. I verified my information and then told the rep the name of the person I’m authorising to take over my line and which line they’re authorised to take over. The buyer then called the same line, gave the rep their information, passed a credit check, and went on their merry way. I have to give a huge thumbs up to Verizon for how smooth and hassle free the process was; I’ve never done it on another carrier, but I can safely say they all should strive to make the process work as well as Verizon does.

It was a nice experience, but I don't know that I'd go this far in my VZW love.

The whole affair is all very simple and straightforward except for two little things: your existing phone, and your existing number. Both will be tied to the line that you transfer, so unless you’re selling your phone with the line and you’re already using Google Voice for all of your calls and texts (which you really ought to be, in my opinion), you have another couple of steps to go through. First, in order for your phone to be free from the line it’s attached to the buyer will need to activate another device on that line. One of my line buyers had his own iPhone that he wanted activated. He’s obviously a crazy person, so he’ll have fun with the metaphorical crazy girlfriend. The other had a Galaxy Nexus, which is far more sensible. In both cases, I had to wait for them to activate their devices before my associated phones were free and clear to sell. Not a big deal, but definitely something to be aware of.

As for the phone number, that’s a little trickier. Like I said, you can’t migrate the number or else the line will get hit with an ETF. However, the new owner can migrate their old number to the line once they take it over. This frees up your old number for migration. Once it’s free, why not migrate it over to Google Voice? This way, you have it as your texting number for free SMS over data with the Google Voice app, and when you make phone calls people will still see that same number. If you go with an unlocked device on prepaid like the GSM Galaxy Nexus or the Nexus 4 (provided Google Play gets off their duff and sells you one), you can switch SIM cards between AT&T, T-Mobile, and Straight Talk without ever worrying about having to switch your phone number over. It’s a one-time fee of $20 and well worth it if you’re going prepaid (heck, even if you’re going to a new contract). Google Voice integrates very well with Android, so you’ll never have to give friends and family a different number again; regardless of switching phones, carriers, plans, lines, etc. Or, you can simply get a new line of service with a different carrier (or even with Verizon; this is a nice way to get a device upgrade when you’re mid contract, but you’ll be forced to also get a Share Everything plan) and have them migrate your now freed up number to the new line.

Take your Nexus weapon; strike me down in your anger and your journey toward the Dark Side will be complete!

I get the allure of Verizon’s network; I really do. This article is not meant to convince people to switch from Verizon to another carrier. Verizon has a killer network and their LTE speeds are pretty stinkin’ awesome. It’s like that hot but wacko chick; I get why you stay with her. Heck, I dated her for years and her insanity never really got to me. But for those of you for whom her charms have faded, you don’t have to feel trapped. There is a way out that doesn’t involve her keying your car or posting defamatory images of you on Instagram. Enjoy the freedom, Android friends. And besides, she’ll always be right outside your window watching you sleep if you ever want to come crawling back; she’ll just make you pay for it in the form of Share Everything plans. And you’ll have to take her Mom out for a nice steak dinner.

I know this image isn't the most relevant, but it's awesome. Deal with it.

Solar Flare!

Cell phones, get ready for dropped bars. According to SpaceWeather.com, we have an X-Flare headed our way, tomorrow. It's just the Sun reminding us how awesome it is compared to us.

Aren't we just adorable next to all that fusion?

Speaking of awesome, how cool of a URL name is spaceweather.com?

Motorola: Make This!

I could be accused of a bit of Monday night quarterbacking when it comes to mobile tech manufacturing. I'll admit that I have never created, marketed, and sold a mobile device on the open market (though I have listed a phone on Craigslist). Perhaps, then, I am not qualified to tell Motorola what they ought to do when it comes to making a smartphone. I should be sorry for my actions, and never tell a multi-billion dollar corporation how to best develop products again.

I'm as sorry as Keanu is here; no amount of cats will displace my shame.

But I'm going to anyway.

I do what I want!

Motorola made my current smartphone, the Droid RAZR. For that, I sincerely thank them. It's a svelte pice of awesome; Kevlar and Gorilla Glass wrapped Android thin enough to fit in a hipster's jean pocket. A truly great device.

But it's not what they should have made. It has several limitations that seem almost arbitrary, and it could have been so much more with presumably just some minor changes. The Maxx comes to mind, but even that doesn't do it all justice (after all, I still prefer my RAZR's thin profile to the "bloated" Maxx, which is still thinner than the Galaxy Nexus and iPhone).

I'm here, Motorola, to help you out. You're one of the few manufacturers going out on a limb and coming up with something new, form wise. Sure, you flop now and again, but that's what promotes greatness. Like when Luke messed up at first when he tried to defend against the remote with the blast shield down.

With the patent dispute down, how am I supposed to compete?

I'm not here to say you should have used Samsung's sAMOLED+ panel if you weren't going for HD resolution, or that you ought to have used coding resources to get vanilla Ice Cream Sandwich onto your device rather than Blurred Gingerbread. That would be beneath both of us (and also a bit disingenuous, since I love my RAZR). No; I'm here to tell you what the most awesome handset in the world would be, with current technology. Use it as a litmus for where your development future will go. I expect my consultant check in the mail.

First thing first: you need to make something without limitations, but that's still unique. You don't want people to say, "I'd like it if only it didn't have . . . " Instead, it's OK for people to say, "I just don't personally care for . . . " It may seem subtle, but the difference is huge. People need to feel that the device made no compromises in its design. If there's something there that's against their alleged tastes, that can be dealt with (remember when people thought 4" screens were too big?). If it's something that they like that could have been better, then you failed to uphold your device's perception in the public eye.

Just because your marketing team says it's awesome doesn't mean we have to believe it.

No compromise. That's the perception you need to cultivate. Apple's done this with their iOS brand, and people have bought it. Mainly that's because Apple doesn't compromise within their sphere. You can't find a better 3.5" screen than the LG made IPS LCD panel in the iPhone 4/4S. The GPU in the A5/5X is second to none. The design is preference. As much as I don't like iPhones, this is a winning combo.

I'll let you in on a secret, Motorola: you have more to offer than Apple does.

I just blew your mind. I know.

This is not to say you need to copy Apple; not in the slightest. I'm just saying that Apple has successfully marketed themselves as a no-compromise manufacturer, and you should strive for this, too. Plenty of other companies have done the same, so this isn't an Apple corner in the mobile space. Basically, you need to be the best Motorola you can be. Go get 'em, big guy! You can do it, slugger!

Besides, no one likes a bad copy.

First thing's first: design. This is an easy one: don't change a thing. There is not a single handset out right now that holds a candle to the RAZR design. From the materials to the look to the nano-coating for water resistance, you guys really hit it out of the park. Bravo.

Anyone who thinks this isn't a great looking phone needs their vision checked.

Next on the list: screen. This is by far and away the most important part of a phone, these days (though there are a few contenders for a very, very close second). Your screen needs to impress, to awe; to make a grown man cry from its sheer beauty.

And it needs to be huge. No hyperbole, here; I'm dead serious. The majority of people that seem to "prefer" a smaller screen are those who haven't used a larger one. People knocked the HTC Evo's screen for being practical-joke big, and now it's the standard size for smartphones (and it made HTC a dollar or two).

Of all the panels out there, one that is currently in production comes to mind.

Take note: I like puns.

The 5.3" sAMOLED panel on the Galaxy Note is nigh perfect. Take this screen and make it non-pentile matrix and you're set.

Next: radios. You guys are the standard for radios, so do this portion in-house. Use one of the smaller die processes for your LTE radios (28nm, preferably). This is paramount because of our next point:

If I had a dollar for every time I saw this screen, I'd try to see this screen more often.

Battery life is key. What you've done with the Maxx is a step in the right direction, but if you pair that with 28nm die LTE modems (and other parts, obviously), you would take this into the stratosphere. This isn't exactly an epiphany, so expect other manufacturers to be hard at work on the same thing. Get to market first and you'll be known for it.

Of course, Andy's already been to the stratosphere.

Next up: CPU/GPU. I know you all like to play nice with Texas Instruments, but their combo screams "compromise!" So does nVidia. For that matter, so does just about everyone. Samsung is the only company I can think of that doesn't, and that's only with their Exynos processors. Be our hero, Motorola. Come out with an A15 dual core that has a killer GPU.

Software is also important, and I must commend your choice in using Android (since you've been acquired by Google, I'm doubtful this will change). However, I also have a bone to pick; two, in fact. Blur and bootloaders.

"Blur" rarely makes one think, "that must be really polished and awesome."

Blur is actually not bad, but you really ought to focus more attention on serving add ons to the OS rather than a complete refresh of it. I know you think that it "differentiates" your device, but you've misunderstood. The consumer couldn't care less about Blur, Sense, TouchWiz, etc. No one goes from a Samsung Galaxy SII to a Droid RAZR and says, "Wow! This new theming is the best!" Go ahead and make a new launcher and do a few small tweaks like allowing swipe to camera from the lockscreen on Gingerbread, but leave it at that. Spend your time on making Smart Actions more polished (and who cares if it ends up a pirated *.apk; that means you're making something others envy!).

For the bootloaders, unlock them (well, decrypt the signature). The people that want it will love you for it, and they are few. The people that would be trouble with an unlocked bootloader won't be doing anything that requires one. Keeping it locked up is basically a no-advantage scenario. If you're worried about more tech support issues, just be sure to send a new device, pre-release, to the heads of some of the usual suspects of awesome ROMs and they'll handle the tech support side (AOKP, CM, MIUI, etc.). It'll cost you a grand total of something like $4500 retail (less, since it'll just be your cost plus shipping), and it'll also be free advertising to boot. That will probably be the best $4500 you'll ever spend, equating to thousands if not more handsets sold. This is a no-brainer and a really, really easy and cheap way to be the #1 make amoung the tech and Android enthusiast blogs and forums.

And please, none of that stupid "developer device" crap sold without a warranty and no carrier subsidies. That just pisses people off and makes you look cheap (remember: no compromise perception).

You could be King of the Nerds, Motorola. Embrace your destiny.

Last but not least: the camera. This is an easy one: use a Carl Zeiss lens and a Xenon flash. Yes, the Xenon will take more juice than an LED. It won't matter. People don't use the flash enough to make a giant dent in battery life, but they will notice the difference in their nighttime photo quality. That's also why you'll use the Zeiss lens: picture quality, picture quality, picture quality. This is key. You'll need competitive MP so that you don't fall short on silly spec sheets, but the picture quality will make you a legend in the blog world. And, since you're Motorola, you'll find a way to make it look sexy and not like, well . . . a Nokia.

This is one of the few things Nokia got right, and they're universally praised for it.

The rest is fluff. MicroSD slot vs. internal memory, HDMI port vs. PDMI, etc. don't mean too much. If Apple's shown the world anything, it's that you can compromise on connectors and most people won't care.

So, to sum up, make us a device with the following:

• RAZR Maxx build (battery included)
• A15 with a killer GPU (a real benchmark-buster)
• 5.3", HD, sAMOLED+ screen
• Carl Zeiss lens with a xenon flash
• Vanilla Android with a custom launcher and some basic tweaks
• Unlocked bootloader
• Advance devices sent to leading devs in the ROM scene

Do this, and you'll be awesome. Do it not, and every one of your handsets will die this day.

True story.

Waving Goodbye

This morning, my inbox (and probably yours, too) greeted me with this message from the Google Wave team:

It says, "Dear Wavers,

More than a year ago we announced that Google Wave would no longer be developed as a separate product. Back in November 2011, we shared the specific dates for ending this maintenance period and shutting down Wave. Google Wave is now in read-only mode. This is a reminder that the Wave service will be turned off on April 30, 2012. You will be able to continue exporting individual waves using the existing PDF export feature until the Google Wave service is turned off. We encourage you to export any important data before April 30, 2012.

If you would like to continue using Wave, there are a number of open source projects, including Apache Wave. There is also an open source project called Walkaround that includes an experimental feature that lets you import all your Waves from Google. This feature will also work until the Wave service is turned off on April 30, 2012.

For more details, please see our help center.

Yours sincerely,
The Wave Team"

Time to pour one out for the best collaboration software money couldn't buy.

Robuntu: Android Gets in Touch with its Linux Side

Welcome to the future. No flying cars, mind; just some sweet digs for your computer/smartphone.

Canonical, the dudes who brought us Ubuntu (and many of its derivatives), have shoehorned a fully functioning Ubuntu distro onto an Android device. Big deal, right? We've seen this countless times before. Heck, even my Dell Streak 7 has an Ubuntu install floating around out there.

You shut your mouth. It is a big deal.

What Canonical has done here (and will show off at the upcoming MWC) is more than a simple port of a popular Linux flavour onto a handheld device; they've successfully married the smartphone and the desktop computer. Ubuntu doesn't dual boot, here, but it actually runs alongside Android when you dock your device (ala Motorola's Webtop, but this actually works well). Carry your device and it's Android; dock it and it's Ubuntu. Awesomely, when you're in Ubuntu mode you can still run Android apps and receive Android notifications. You run off of your Android's hardware, and can do anything it can do (texts, phone calls, Angry Birds, etc.). If you dock it to an HDTV, it'll automatically use Ubuntu's TV interface (doesn't look like Mythbuntu, but it still looks pretty cool).

What are you waiting for? Check out the video!

Star Wars vs. Star Trek: Episode II

We're tied at 1 and 1. Man the WiFi router; it's about to get all nerdy real up in here!

So far, Star Trek has trumped Sebulba's pod with that oh-so-sweet hoverbike, but Lucas' empire struck back with the Millennium Falcon eclipsing the Enterprise. There'll be blood in the streets before this is done.

Before we dive in and roll a few 1D20s, let's remember the criteria: we're going for "coolest in class;" not the one that would win in a fight (which is a pointless argument since some fanboi somewhere will always come up with some stupid logic to justify his favourite franchise).

"But Norman, that saber move would go against the Jedi code."

Since I'm the sole arbiter over what I think is cool and what isn't, this is a completely objective test. My conclusions are correct by the scale from which they're measured, and thus cannot be refuted.

My logic is undeniable.

Now that the exhaustive rules have been detailed, on with the show!

Vehicles (cont.)

• Fighter Craft

This category is filled with awesome. Things that go boom and make stuff explode. Big engines, lasers, concussion missiles, and maybe a cloaking device or two. Prepare for rad.

Star Trek
I'm going to go ahead and piss off some nerds here. Star Trek ships, in a straight up fight, would mop the floor with their Star Wars kin. Star Wars ships seem to be mainly line of sight fighters, which is really old school and lame.

Probably a good thing for Star Wars that this contest isn't driven by military performance.

Let's piss off some more fans: if we were going by the average cool across the entire fleet, Star Wars wins hands down. There are a couple of awkward looking Star Wars attack craft, but, for the most part, they're pretty cool (we'll get to that when we look over the Star Wars offerings). For the most part, Star Trek attack ships look like these:

 Lame.

 Blurry and lame.

 Computer game from 1997 lame.

Looks like a robot sand dollar.

Oops; I heard from a basement nerd that this isn't actually an attack ship from Star Trek. Sorry.

I guess that's it. Throw this one to Star Wars by default. Heck, even the new Star Trek movie has a glorified mining craft as it's big bruiser (don't even get me started on that hokey Spock-craft).

Don't throw in the towel just yet. It's time to go old school.

That planet is about to get eRADicated.

Klingon Bird of Prey. Pew pew, son.

Not only is it awesome across almost all of its iterations, but even the name sounds cool. It's like the space-fighter equivalent of a Hayabusa (which means "peregrine falcon"), and we all know how cool that thing is.

That BoP needs MOAR CHROME, boy! 

Oh, snap! Bling bling, Worf.

It just looks so lethal. The stance, the laser-tipped wings; it almost looks more lethal than an actual bird of prey.

Almost.

Every time I see the Klingon Bird of Prey up against the Enterprise, I feel gypped as a human being. How did a race as dorky as the Klingons get the cool ship, but we're left rolling in a flashlight with a dish on top? I'm always kind of rooting for the BoP, too, since it's so much more bad-ass than the Enterprise (kind of like how I was secretly rooting for Darth Maul).

Rock on, cosplay champs. Klingons win the nomination.

No doubt they stopped into town for some awkward sword-axe-staffs.

Star Wars
Unlike the Star Trek universe, you don't have to go mining deep in Star Wars to find some awesome fighters. In fact, you almost have to do the opposite.

OK, I guess you don't have to look all that hard for lameness after all.

The old school series had plenty to pick from. You have your A-Wing,

"A" is for "awesome"

your B-Wing,

"B" is for "bad-ass"

and your Y-Wing.

"Y" is for "Y U no blow up Death Star?"

That's just the icing on the Alliance cake. The Empire had those simple-yet-awesome tie fighters, the best of which being this one:

Sorry, Vader; this one is way cooler than yours.

We've only scratched the surface. Even so, we all know which fighter is the coolest in the Star Wars kingdom. We all know. (You should read that again, but read the last sentence in a whisper.)

So. Rad.

Rogue 5 standing by . . . to kick some Imperial tail. Or maybe fly into a swamp.

Transforming wings? Check. Lasers with one of the best "pew-pew" sounds ever? Check. Looks like a dragonfly made into an anime nightmare? Check. The X-Wing is about as awesome as it gets when it comes to a fighter. Throw in an R2 unit and you're all set for a one way cruise to the cool sector.

Winner

This was a tough one. Both ships have that long, lean, lithe, lethal look of alliteration. There's something to be said for pitting a small craft against a very large one, but in the end they're both models (I just had to dodge some ninja stars made out of paper from the IT department).

I have to go with my gut on this one. The winner is just a smidgen cooler than the loser, though the loser could handily beat most other comers.

Search your feelings; you know it to be true.

Round 3: Star Wars

Star Trek
1


Star Wars
2

To be continued.

Star Wars vs. Star Trek

This is it, folks; grudge match extraordinaire! Geeks, don your cosplay!

Now I know this has been done to death, so I'm going to take a slightly different track than most. There will be no debate as to whether the photon torpedoes from the good ol' NCC-1701-B could penetrate a Super Star Destroyer's shields, nor whether a light saber could block a phaser blast on full (even if the phaser was super charged by Data himself).

I know this picture isn't germane to the topic at hand; just let it go and enjoy the awesome.

I am herein concerned with which series is more inherently awesome. Some geek somewhere will always be able to come up with how the Millennium Falcon could pwn a Klingon Bird of Prey or whatever other thing you could imagine, because, at the end of the day, all this stuff is fictional so none of the arguments are ultimately refutable (though my arguments won't be refutable because they're correct, not because they're theoretical).

So, here are the categories from which we'll compare:

• Vehicles
• Weapons
• Villains
• Heroes
• Aliens

For the sake of brevity, I'm taking the coolest in class from each universe to pit against each other (though there will be some subcategories). I know what you're thinking: "There is no coolness factor in Star Wars or Star Trek, you nerd!" Oh yeah? I have six words for you, Mr. Naysayer: Billy D Williams in a cape.

Like James Brown, but with less spousal abuse and more lasers.

Let's start the show!

Vehicles

• Personal Craft

This category is basically comprised of vehicles used to carry  people (or otherwise) in small quantities and with non-military intent. Think your personal car; not an Abrahms tank. This is a pretty light class, as neither endeavor gives much credence to non-military craft (in a world with phasers and blasters, why not weaponise?).

Star Wars

This was a tough one for me. Luke's speeder in the OG Star Wars (we all know the original Trilogy was several parsecs cooler than the new one) is lame. Speeder bikes, while awesome, are military tech. Ditto the Millennium Falcon. Moving on to the new Trilogy, we have a bunch of cheesy cars in Episode II and Darth Maul's speeder, which reminds me of a very futuristic Hover Round.

Darth Maul holding up traffic.

Note: this is not the same image as above.

It looked like this round was about to be awarded to Star Trek by default, but then I thought back to my Sega Dreamcast days. What was one of the best racers for that platform? That's right! Star Wars: Episode 1 Racer! How could I forget podracers? So, without further ado, I bring you the entrant from the Star Wars universe:

Sebulba was so robbed by that little Jedi brat.

Sebulba's podracer. Part hovercraft, part alcohol burning 1969 SS Camaro with a 454 and wicked sidepipes, part slingshot; all awesome. So it doesn't fit any groceries and you have to steer with your feet. So what? I would roll in this to work even on a snow day.

Star Trek
Most of the personal transport type craft from the Star Trek universe come in the form of the shuttle craft (or, as I like to call them, "pre-coffins for red-shirted ensigns"). No matter how you try to gussy them up, they still look lame. I mean, like an early '90s Oldsmobile minivan lame.

Guess I'm not the first person to think that.

Seriously? It's like an X-Wing cockpit on skis.

Sorry, Trek; looks like you're no competition against the tuner's dream that is Sebulba's pod.

That is, until the last iteration (or, should I say, reinvention) of the Star Trek genre. The 2009 Star Trek movie was, more than any other, a bridge from the real world to the Nerdy McNerdathon realm of Trekkie faithful. It brought the cool back to the series in a way that both reminded us why we fell in love with it in the first place and managed to make it cutting edge entertainment to boot. Surely we can mine this piece for gems of awesome, can't we? In the words of Obama, yes we can! (Don't worry; no tax hikes will come with this post.)

For our real-world comparison to Sebulba's pod, we had the 1969 SS Camaro; passing that up is a tall order. How could that ever be topped? What can possibly compete with the rad that is a muscle car? What other vehicle can one grab that has more thrill, speed, and that rebellious whiff of danger? Tall order indeed.

But not that tall of an order.

Wheelies aren't illegal if they're done into opposing traffic.

Enter the motorcycle. It's all the speed, noise, acceleration, burnouts, and beauty you love about a car, but on steroids; and without those pesky bits of metal and airbags between you and the semis and such. Though not quite raised to Akira levels, Star Trek manages to kick it up a notch from our common, pedestrian Hayabusas.

The end all be all motorcycle.

OK, maybe there's some worthy competition for that title.

All futures include rad motorcycles; if they don't, they're not a future I want to live in. Star Trek's take on the soon to come is no exception (thankfully). There are two contenders for this category: Kirk's bike and the cop bike.

Kirk's bike is beautiful in its simplicity. It's the familiar rebel ride we all know and love, sans the wheels and suspension. Still has the tires, though, because why have a motorcycle with no wheelies and burnouts?

And I'm betting it's not a stupid Harley V-Twin, either.

Though I love the elegancy of its design, I can't quite get behind it as uber future tech. If this thing were real, I would indenture my children for it; but I don't think it's quite up to the task of taking on Sebulba's pod.

That leaves us with the cop hoverbike.

I'm pretty sure the android cop is model P0NCH-J0N

Super fast? Check. Totally dangerous? Check. Hyper maneuverable? Check. No room for kids? Check. Probably in the average Joe's budget in its time? Check. You have the right to remain awesome.

Winner

This is a tough call. Every time I try to pick Sebulba's pod, I see that sweet hoverbike tearing through a local mall in my imagination. Every time I try to pick the hoverbike, that oh-so-menacing growl/thunder from Sebulba's engine ignites my racing dreams. But there can be only one . . .

I have to go with the hoverbike. Staying with the true nature of the class, Sebulba's pod just doesn't cut it. I can get all the thrill, fun, and maybe even speed (with probably a lot more maneuverability) on the hoverbike as I can in Sebulba's pod, and it's practical as a personal transport device to boot. I can't see the podracer used anywhere but on the track and, while that seems fun, it's not horribly versatile. It would be like pitting a ZX-14R against an Indy car. The ninja will do almost everything the racer will, but you can actually use it every day. Plus, Indy cars don't wheelie very well.

Round 1: Star Trek

• Main Vessel

This is the class that defines the series. The ship (or otherwise) you glance at and say, "now that's Star Trek/Wars!" While the entries from each genre might be vastly dissimilar, they are both quintessential.

Star Wars

Star Wars has such a vast litany of craft that define it. X-Wings, Star Destroyers, the freakin' Death Star. How could any one epitomise more than another? Who am I to say that an A-Wing is more "Star Wars" than a Tie Fighter?

Oh, wait, there is one that's more "Star Wars" than any other.

She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts.

It's a space muscle car/bachelor pad. With lasers. And it's the fastest ship in the fleet. And it has a Wookie.

Maybe Luke thought it was a piece of junk, but he's a whiney farm boy with a stupid haircut. And he sucks at lightsaber fighting.

Luke would have lasted about 1.4 seconds against this guy.

Yes, the Millennium Falcon. The ship that blasted and hyperdrove it's way into our hearts all those years ago. Despite the many "advances" in the Star Wars universe, there's no ship quite as evocative. Ugly yet elegant, ungainly yet smooth, circular yet hard edged. It defies our classifications, which made it all the more exotic. The Falcon, moreover, is unique in the world of sci-fi because it's so darned accessible. It's not full of high-tech gadgetry and strange, esoteric features (though it does have a pretty sweet chessboard); consequently, it made space travel seem almost accessible, too. You could see yourself at the helm of a ride like the Falcon, and that makes it all the more immersive. Add the fact that it's a space-pirate ship, and you have a course set straight for awesome.

Star Trek

No doubt about the definitive ship on this one. If you're not sure which it is, you've never seen an episode of Star Trek (well, maybe you saw some stupid one like Deep Space 9 or Babylon 5).

Who else is now hearing oooo-OOOOO-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-OOOOO in their head?

NCC to the 1701. The starship Enterprise. Hello, awesome.

Though I must say, the original design looks a bit, well . . . dated (I was going to say, "like a 3 year old pasted a plate and some popsicles to a flashlight," but I like the old girl, so I'll be nice). Let's get a more current version, shall we?

I can hear the Earl Grey brewing from here (yes, I know there's no air to transmit the noise, and the Enterprise doesn't "brew" in the traditional sense; just work with me).

Hmmm. More modern and less hokey, yes, but a little too 90s hip. Like bellbottoms being replaced with Hammer Pants. Let's try that one more time.

Hello, gorgeous!

Now that's what I'm talking about! Let's take a gander at the bridge.

Now that's what I call style! It's like an intergalactic cruise liner with lasers and photon torpedoes.

And that really is the heart and soul of the Enterprise. It's the ultimate in space going raddery. It's more of a traveling city/battleship than just a spaceship. It's fast, self-sufficient, and packs enough gadgets to make any nerd pass gas uncontrollably.

Winner

No contest, here. Millennium Flacon.

"Wait, what?! You were just singing the praises of the Enterprise to the high heavens!"

Don't forget what kind of contest this is. The Enterprise is exactly what I'd choose to galavant around the galaxy in, but it doesn't have the coolness factor that is the Millennium Falcon (by the way, the first draft of Star Trek said, "to boldly galavant where no man has galavanted before"). Sure, the Enterprise has utility, luxury, and class; but it lacks that certain, I don't know . . . pirate ship with a Wookie quality.

vs.

Case closed.

Actually, come to think of it, I'd rather do my galavanting in the Millennium Falcon. It's like choosing an F-22 Raptor with fuzzy dice hanging from the canopy over an Aircraft Carrier.

Let's galavant!

Round 2: Star Wars

OK, this post is too long by half. We'll continue in another post (maybe several). Score so far:
Star Trek
1

Star Wars
1

It's a dead heat! I'd say the fans are waiting with baited breath, but they're really chortling uncontrollably because they're camping with the sniper rifle at their LAN party.